seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize