Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
