You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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