We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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