Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
