did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
