I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
