Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
