The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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