so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
This is my life. Enjoy the view
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
