i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
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