Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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