he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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