You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
