There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
