dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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