It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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