Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
