I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
