my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize