my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
