Im at strip club and am horny
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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