this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
