Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
