Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize