Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
