So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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