grandma shit on top of the toilet
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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