is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
