you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
