FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
She announced her abortion via fbk
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
