yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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