She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
