I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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