and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
How's work?
Spinning.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
