Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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