I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
