I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
