I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize