he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
