Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
