who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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