Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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