So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
