he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
