Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
