We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize