I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
There's always time for handjobs
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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