Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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