Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
