my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
