I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
