i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
