I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
