the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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