Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
