I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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