Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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