I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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