he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
